The NFL’s been in a slump.
And the reason for that great failure, as of late, has been their own terrible decisions.
Colin Kaepernick made waves when he decided to rage against the non-existent machine. The bi-racial quarterback with a mother as white as George Washington could’ve chosen any one of countless fantasies: a plague of winged Yorkies, scooping up the elderly and taking them back to their nests to eat; an infiltration of the media by Sleestaks in disguise; an incendiary rise in spontaneous combustions at cricket matches. To show his eccentric side, Kaepernick went with the crisis of police officers everywhere targeting black people for murder. Fast forward past some cops-as-pigs knee socks and a whole bunch of kneeling, and you’ve got yourself a severe loss of professional football fans.
The league could’ve outlawed unpatriotic political activism in the fight against the phantom menace; instead, they froze, mesmerized by the swirling of their enterprise, as it rushed downward, vanishing from the toilet bowl and disappearing somewhere into the walls via the pipes of that’s-what-you-get (here’s a previous profile of the flush).
Media praised Kaepernick’s ignorance. Players who followed his lead were portrayed as crusaders of justice. But justice, to a whole lot of macho, patriotic armchair QB’s, and their rockin’ women counterparts, was to stay home and change the channel.
So the league came up with a response: impose regulation against kneeling, and punish it with a fine (covered here).
[Note: “a fine,” meaning, a small monetary punishment against people who have tons and tons of money.]
Okay…are we on our way to revival?
Not so fast — then the NFL took it all back. They rescinded the rule.
Smooth move (featured here). That’ll get the fans back!
Perplexingly, giving people what they wanted and then taking it back hasn’t appeared to satisfy those who wanted it.
In the midst of that real headscratcher, the good people at the NFL have figured out what all those testosterone-fueled, burly, macho fans of giant dudes crushing each other for brutal sport are jonesin’ for most. Introducing the one thing that’ll get ’em to leap off their La-Z-Boys and rush the stadium:
No need to hit Club LaBare tonight; you can take a ganders at some sweaty fellas shaking their hips right on the sidelines of your favorite sports teams. Provided, that is, that your faves are the Los Angeles (but of course) Rams or the New Orleans Saints. That’s right — Quinton Peron and Napoleon Jinnies are currently practicing their jukes so you can stand on your feet with painted letters on your shirtless chest as they shake their moneymakers to the sound of your guttural hoorays.
And the league says, “Yoooou’re welcome.”
Somehow, the National Football League has responded to a large group of disgusted football fans by providing the very thing they would literally want least of all known things in the great big universe.
It takes a special person to come up with somethin’ like that.
Here’s what’s gonna get the most masculine among ya goin’. Your girlfriends, too:
Oh, and by the way: while Quentin and Napoleon are glistening for you, the players are still gonna be kneeling.
Thank you for reading! Football fans: are you psyched to watch men dance for you? Does that get your sports juices flowin’? Sound off in the Comments section below.
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